Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Sale: 1 Heart. Horrible condition. I don't care what you do with it, just rip it out of my chest and take away this pain.

   Integrity is knowing that just because you can do something, it doesn't always mean that you should...

   one word answers are the nice way of saying "f*ck you and this conversation"...

   Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give unrealistic expectations to women about what to expect from men. Porn has the same effect on men.

   Some people don't poop, crap just comes out of their mouth 24/7.

   Hey mom?” “WHAT!?” “Nevermind you`re not in a good mood.

   Only a few more days until those “yo, 2012 is about to be my year” status updates..

   Has the NORAD Santa tracker stopped working? It says he's been at the Cheetahs Club in NYC for the past 48 hours.

   I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...

   I cut the sleeves off my snuggie because it makes me look more badas$$. THUG LIFE.

   Because of Harry Potter a whole generation of boys learned it was good to read. And to master control of one's wand.

   So if I win the Mega Millions tonight, maybe I can move my name from my shirt to the front of the building at work ((fingers crossed)).

   The world will end in February and Hypercolor shirts are coming back HUGE, according to the Wikipedia article I just made up.

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else

   How many people ending a Facebook conversation by liking the last comment.If so like this comment

   Dear Haters, ╭∩╮ º.º ╭∩╮ Sincerely, Me.

   There are a few people I know whose birth certificates should be considered an apology letter to the world!

   Single.. because my ex was such a loser..

   There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   The more I hear about other people's relationship drama, the happier I am that I'm single. :