Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got Cowboys vs Aliens from Netfl*x in the mail, you should have seen the disappointment on my face when I found out it wasn't about Illegal immigration in AZ

   I'd go out more if I could bring my dog, b0ng, couch, and blanket with me.

   I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.

   It's so rude when people talk at the movies while you're on the phone!

   I like to scare deaf people by yawning at them.

   Why do I have to take medication to stop me from slapping people who should be on medication?

   Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.

   A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult. I sent it in a pvt message ;~)

   The most inappropriate time to tell someone they have the "Moves Like Jagger" is during a seizure.

   Bumperstickers are a great way to let people know you're a moron.

   A lady called me 'Feckless' and I was forced to admit it - I am totally without Feck.

   “Wow, that is a nice lookin' pair of Crocs.” Said no one ever.

   Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.

   Charlie Sheen says he's back to reality and is not crazy anymore. My ex-wife says the same thing.

   Your mama is so ugly when she went to a nude beach she was asked to cover her face.

   Enough respect to women who know how to roll bada$$ blunts.

   Taking my car to get fixed today. I don't need a bunch of little car mouths to feed!

   It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads

   Yesterday was the birthday of both Elvis Presley & David Bowie, neither of whom have gained any weight since 1977.

   The music business is always chasing trends. Adele sells millions, so RCA makes Kelly Clarkson gain 80 pounds.