Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When she’s sleeping…. Take her eyelashes off and make her a mustache with them. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   “Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?” Asks new White House reporter Ronald Crump.

   Every time that you spend money, you’re casting a vote for the kind of world you want.

   Judge rules that airplane passengers no longer need to pretend to be eating for 5 straight hours.

   If your child makes fun of you for not being able to find the flashlight on your phone, just remind them of when you taught them everything.

   If they say it’s impossible, it’s impossible for them, not for you.

   Her: I have a child that needs a father figure. Him: I wear socks with sandals. Her: wow, you’re daddy af.

   Mike, Echo, Oscar, Whiskey… how do you copy? Over

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   Me: Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic AAA: Sir this is triple A Me: I know, I'm explaining why my car is in the lake

   In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a guy in Germany He said, 'Cut it out.'

   Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.

   Stop killing mountains to make Mountain Dew!

   Gun owners: when they hear someone breaking in at 2:00am.

   Him: The doctor says if I don’t receive nudes I’ll die! Her: Damn, that’s crazy.

   Her: My God! Where did you learn to use those fingers? Him: (picking a boogie)

   HR explaining to me that smoke breaks are for nicotine use only.

   Bezos: Heard you’re buying Twitter. Musk: Amazon is next. Bezos: Bruh… Musk: (add to cart)

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   They should just make the Tupperware spaghetti colored right there at the factory.