Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the weekend goes as planned, it will not include any actual plans.

   Girls can’t find their hair ties but can remember what you said 7 months ago at 6:40pm.

   There is a voice that doesn’t use words, listen.

   Balloons are sort of nasty when you think about it: "Happy Birthday. Here's a rubber bag of my breath."

   Trump 2023 because it isn't possible either. LOL

   Did you notice that gender reveal parties disappeared? Now we wait and let the kindergarten teachers decide.

   The mystery of the exotic truck nuts.

   When she’s telling you all about her problems. Sounds like you need some D.

   Your cat is a “see you in tea.”

   Nurse: You may not feel anything from the waist down. Him: Just tits then?

   How she looks at you when she wants the carrot. ~ Mr. Rabbit

   Don’t pick a fight, but if you do find yourself in one, I suggest you make damn sure you win.

   Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

   The only time he messing with you is at night? Bi!ch, you’re dating a bedbug.

   They say you are 22 times more likely to be killed by a cow than by a shark. This is true, my ex chased me with a knife once.

   If you're in a restaurant waiting for the waiter, aren't you the waiter?

   You like rap music? Who’s your favorite rapist.

   Day 712 without sex: went jogging in flip flops to remember the sound.

   Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.

   That mini heart attack when you can’t find spaghetti in your pocket.