Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 140 of 6390
People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
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06-19-2022 02:40
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Anything that cost you your peace is too expensive.
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06-19-2022 02:39
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Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.
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06-19-2022 02:39
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Her: I was just swiping on Tinder. Can anyone tell me why I saw my boyfriend? Her: Stop asking what I was doing on Tinder, that’s not the point!
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06-19-2022 02:38
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You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.
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06-19-2022 02:37
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Me: Showing up every day with fresh excerpts from exotic lands to entertain the masses.
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06-19-2022 02:37
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Sign at 7 eleven, gas is 7.11, “the prophecy has been fulfilled.”
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06-19-2022 02:36
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2020 We aren’t allowed to go in public. 2022 We can’t afford to go in public.
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06-19-2022 02:36
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The moment your gut says no, it’s a no. You can analyze the details later.
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06-19-2022 02:35
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I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.
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06-18-2022 00:58
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A patient cured is a customer lost.
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06-18-2022 00:57
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When someone asks for directions: You basically go straight that way for a while until you f*ck all the way off.
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06-18-2022 00:57
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When you unplug all the noisy beeping machines at the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
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06-18-2022 00:56
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Apocalypse Scenario #253: Everyone just sort of gives up one day.
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06-18-2022 00:56
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Do one thing every day that scares you. Text someone first. Ask your crush to hang out. Pick a fight with a raccoon. The only one stopping you is yourself.
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06-18-2022 00:55
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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road. Me: Sorry, I’m English. Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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06-18-2022 00:54
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Her: So, I slept with 3 guys before I met you. Him: Omg Karen, I was only 20 minutes late.
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06-18-2022 00:53
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Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.
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06-18-2022 00:53
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Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?
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06-18-2022 00:52
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Million dollar idea. Pizza toppings on the bottom, will call them Bottomings!
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06-17-2022 18:36
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