Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Olympics should have a separate boxing event for transgenders. They can hop in the ring and trade "blows."

   I pay attention to who reacts on my posts, because as soon as I get rich I'm buying you all tacos.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and be quiet. Well, guess what? She couldn't do either.

   I like the Old Normal better than the New Normal.

   The problem isn't the puppet or the puppeteer. It's the imbeciles in the audience screaming for an encore.

   It's a good thing farting isn't contagious like yawning is.

   Okay, so is Simone Biles done showing us her snatch? Can we please get to the Track & Field competitions now?

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   Social media has taught me a few things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are greatly outnumbered.

   My brain just logged me out due to inactivity and now I can't remember my password. FML.

   Whoever said, "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.

   I identify as Non-Bidenary.

   There are scams all over the internet! Send me just $19.95 and I'll show you how to avoid them!

   It's kinda weird realizing that we are the last generation on this earth to know what life was like before social media.

   The difference between superman and I. Superman has super vision ,I require supervision!

   Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?

   I miss the good old days when you could actually have an opinion without offending someone.

   Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives.

   What a lucky week! First I win the lottery, and then some relatives I'd lost contact with got in touch.

   Most people want a perfect relationship. I just want a hamburger that looks like the one on the menu.