Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 05:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.
←Rate | 04-04-2017 07:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.
←Rate | 04-14-2017 14:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.
←Rate | 05-30-2017 08:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday
←Rate | 08-23-2017 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??
←Rate | 09-08-2017 11:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
←Rate | 09-08-2017 17:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
←Rate | 10-15-2017 00:37 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 17:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One day all of your earthly possessions will be destroyed ... that day comes when your child turns 2
←Rate | 01-10-2018 18:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:03 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 09:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.
←Rate | 02-07-2018 10:28 by MDS Comments (1)  


   messageicon The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:10 by markf Comments (1)  


   messageicon House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
←Rate | 03-03-2018 09:16 Comments (1)  


   messageicon There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.
←Rate | 04-14-2018 12:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas
←Rate | 12-21-2018 09:34 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You had me at “we have a warrant”
←Rate | 12-22-2018 05:08 Comments (0)  




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