Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

   Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

   The Left released Trump’s tax returns, and nobody cares.

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   FBI, CIA, DOJ: We have investigated ourselves and found ourselves to be innocent.

   When your friend is getting beat up by banditos, but you remember his welcome refugees post.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.

   It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

   Elon Musk fired 8000 employees and Twitter is working just fine. Makes you wonder what they were doing all day long.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.