Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.

   When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.

   To the people who react to my posts daily, may your life be full of puppy kisses and kitten snuggles.

   A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.

   When they can no longer control you, they will try to control what others think of you.

   At this point, conspiracy theories might as well be called spoiler alerts.

   Ole Nancy and the other baby murderers are crying awful hard today...

   Can't think of a better way to end pride month

   Truth is like surgery; it hurts but it heals. A lie is like a painkiller; it gives instant relief but has terrible side effects.

   U don git da bug if you already da illest, knowahimsayin

   like a squirrel, tired from busting nuts all day.

   Just because they pull up next to you doesn’t mean they want to race. But better safe than be a loser.

   When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.

   I’m not challenging your authority; I’m denying it completely.

   You’d be surprised how quickly employees will assist you after you try to start a chainsaw.

   I just failed a captcha test 3 times in a row. I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out that I’m a robot.