Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man is buying an apple a banana and two eggs. The cashier says, “you must be single.” The man says, “wow, that’s right, how did you know?” The cashier says, “because you’re ugly.”

   Fun Fact: The majority of archeologist are women, due to their natural ability to dig up the past.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   The first symptom of Covid-19 is believing everything the media says.

   When hanging toilet paper, remember beards are cool, mullets are bad.

   I just want someone to laugh at my jokes the way that Kamala laughs at questions she can’t answer.

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   There is no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize sharing a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

   S.H.I.T......So Happy It's Thursday!...Some of you just got to get that mind out of the gutter...

   Take your red flags and turn them into coats, traitors.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? (flashback to me chasing a racoon after she told me to leave it alone) Me: I’m having an affair.

   Your spouse is the best person to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they’re not even listening.

   Explaining bedtime to the kids: “It’s not about how tired you are, it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.

   Son: Mom, what does “woke” mean? Mom: It’s a parents shocking realization that her kids are being taught extremist bull-crap.

   Your very existence goes against our community standards. ~ Zuck

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   I love when people ask, “How’s a person like you single?” I’m mentally ill.