Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had imaginary friends as a kid, I mean they were real kids that lived on my street, I would just imagine them to be my friends :)

   ...My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   preparing to defend himself with the STRENGTH of a grizzly, the REFLEXES of a puma, and the WISDOM of a man!

   Do you think Popeye would still want Olive Oyl if he knew how much Rachel Ray uses her?

   says "friends with benefits" sounds better than "f*ck buddies".

   going to stop being so indecisive, no wait, yes I am, maybe..... I guess I will try again tomorrow or maybe sometime next week.

   used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he's good at everything.

   gonna give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! ONE. TWO. TEN!

   When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad.

   Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

   gonna bring her girlfriend...........c you at the hotel room ;-)

   sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

   having a most excellent adventure with Bill and Ted

   about to try cruise control in reverse

   says eat your school, stay in drugs, and don't do vegetables. :]

   you may have won this stare contest... SUN! But I'll definitely be triumphant tomorrow! ...now time for the moon

   "Almost" and the "same" are almost the same thing!

   ¡ɐɥɐɥ ˙snʇɐʇs uʍop ǝpısdn ʎɯ ʎq pǝʇɐuıɔsɐɟ ǝɹɐ noʎ ʇɐɥʇ ʇɔɐɟ ǝɥʇ uɐ

   saving the planet by tailgating his Silverado behind a Prius.

   giving my liver a pat on the back, thanks for holding up this weekend