Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.

   THERES A VAN ACROSS THE STREET THAT SAYS "FREE CANDY" I WONDER IF THEY HAVE TOOTSIE POPS....IM GOING TO CHECK! :)

   is Loading ████████████ 99%

   Playing hide and seek with boredom... I found it!

   would like to thank his liver for all the support, this weekend . . . Couldnt have done it without you, old friend !

   ..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..

   : How do you keep a facebook friend busy? Refresh this screen to find the answer.

   I may not be always right but I'm never wrong

   I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

   Life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it!

   Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

   Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

   has watched so much kids TV lately that women that look like Dora are starting to turn his head. Swiper! No swiping!

   knows the difference between a straight girl and a lesbian. About a bottle and a half of wine.

   To make it straight, she pulls it. 2 make it stand, she rubs it. 2 make it stiff, she licks it. 2 let it “IN” she pushes it. !!!! True! Threading a needle is not easy!!!

   thinks he messed up. One of my wife's girlfriends came over to the house crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

   just watched CSI: Ozarks. The case went unsolved. Everyone's DNA was the same and there were no dental records.

   Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Yankees players on them ...people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

   has a friend that was recently diagnosed with multiple personalities... yesterday he called me... my caller I.D. exploded.

   ...The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.