Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never hear the end of it

   plans on dressing up as Kanye West for Halloween and just before the kids yell "Trick or Treat", jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is better".

   says single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and then go to the fridge..........

   thinks scare-crows should get Nobel prizes because they are out standing in their field

   out making some changes in his life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes

   facebook-The only place where married men can poke multiple hotties and stay married.

   wishes my lawn was suicidal, then maybe it would cut itself!

   -don't follow my footsteps, I walk into walls

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

   How good was last night? Last night was so good, I actually tried to order a vodka tonic at Jimmy John's Subs...If only you would've seen the cashier's face

   unfriended several people. Apparently the whole "other people can see what you say on here" concept doesn't resonate with them.

   has never went to bed with an ugly girl, just woke up with a few THANKS ALCOHOL

   I don't know whether to laugh at you or pity you

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common

   'So, Just in case all Hell does freeze over, What's your Number?"

   the fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

   just found out why the chicken crossed the road....it's really not that funny

   I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

   how come no matter how prepared you are for your toast popping up you still get a shock?

   I brush after every meal.And the Dentist says my hair looks lovely.