Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   asks if what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas....... then why did my new wife follow me home????

   How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.

   wishing everyone a happy Friday eve!

   you look so beautiful.......GOD THIS THING SUCKS AT SARCASM

   thinks DJ AM should have been buried in the morning......just sayin'

   santa's overated.

   not lazy, he's just phsycially conservative.

   Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

   Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

   stop the bus let my friend jack off...

   just spit out his stride gum.

   100% positive that he isn't sure!

   Was up all night wondering where the sun had gone. Then it dawned on me

   thinks the newest version of the game "Monopoly" should come with a government bail-out option....

   loves how obama gives a speech to kids about the importance of school while 3/4 of the kids in the country are IN school

   "Doh!, the stuff that buys me beer, Ray, the guy who sells me beer, Me, the one who drinks the beer.Far, a long run to get beer, So, I'll have another beer, La, I'll have another beer, Tea, no thanks I'm drinking beer and that's why I'm not here! "

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

   thinks this Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

   Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

   Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life