Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Person... Woman... Man... Camera... TV....I'm a genius!

   Amy Schneider looks like the love child of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble.

   It's amazing how one transgender can trigger so much hate and ignorance. Like honestly, how are people like that affecting your lives?

   the best way to get over a woman is to get under another one

   I miss the days when getting tested just meant you were sleeping around.

   Eighty percent of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.

   eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

   I tore my ACL at the Sizzler buffet

   Fashion in the 90s either looked like you hadn’t showered in weeks or like you were Tinkerbell. There was no in between.

   my husband embraced me tightly and inhaled deeply because I smelled like icy hot. this is how we flirt now.

   My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own farts.

   I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison.

   If you've never stubbed your toe on a sock. You've never been in a teenage boys bedroom!

   If you get a loan at the bank you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank it’ll be 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.

   Best one liner in 2022 so far: "What a moron...Jesus Christ!".

   Alls I'm sayin is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans.

   If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

   6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Root beer with a fork* [6:50] I'm a fork and I'm drowning !!

   Question, is the word buttcheeks all one word or should I spread them apart?

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.