Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   YoutubeTV, we will settle for $15 credit, instead of $20. BUT you must take CNN with you.

   I'm so old that my pronouns are Thee and Thou.

   Everyone's an atheist until they clog the toilet in someone else's house.

   At the bar last night, some woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me. On a related note, I suck at Darts.

   The best gift of all, is freedom and health. Merry Christmas

   Ladies, if you can't handle me when I'm broke, you don't deserve me when I get my monthly check of $600.

   Tiger Kings, Joe Exotic will never sing Christmas songs cause he hates carols.

   2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

   Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

   I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

   ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

   This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

   Failed Pickup Lines: “Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

   This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

   I should know better than to swear at the TV. It's the microwave that's listening.

   Baby it's Covid outside.

   Can anybody cover my shift tonight? ~ Santa Claus

   When you clean your vacuum cleaner, does that make you a vacuum cleaner?

   I'll bet the people who voted for Joe Biden are turning over in their graves right now.

   A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item because he needs it. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she doesn't need just because it's on sale.