Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All the smart people sold their soul for knowledge.

   If you haven't hit a woman, then you obviously haven't dated a woman who had to be hit !

   Oh, so you're preparing turkey again for Christmas? Twice in one month. Kudos to you. I'm overwhelmed by your imagination.

   Omicron is an anagram for Moronic. They are straight up messing with us at this point.

   A friend rubbed tomato ketchup on his eyes.In Heinz sight , it wasn't a good idea.

   Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

   Sorry about that - Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

   "Remove frozen pizza from box and plastic wrapper before placing in oven." (Oh wow, thanks, Red Baron instructions. I don't think I would have known to do that.)

   Technology will cause our ultimate demise. After mankind destroys itself, the dawn of a new civilization will consist of its early inhabitants creating music by banging bones on logs and blowing their breath through hollow reeds.

   i love how everyone is like "I'ma take this to the next level" meh most of you could get past level 1-2 in Super Mario Bros.

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   I hate when my wife corrects me,so I said to her "Sarah I want a divorce" she responds with "my name is Debbie"

   Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles are 50 years old. The first WOKE cereals ever.

   My mom has been attending her own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   Her: "I always like YOUR posts, how come you never like MY posts?" Me: "Because I don't like your posts."

   The “thank you wave”after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is one thing holding this fragile society together

   You know you need to lose weight when none of your towels fit

   My worst fear of getting older is chewing for no reason.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   The “thank you wave”👋🏼 after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is the one thing holding this fragile society together.