Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   watching "forensic files" & a commercial comes on about buying life insurance ... know your audience

   My girlfriend has weekly lessons with the Devil.. I have no idea what she is teaching him

   I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but the only thing I'm positive about is that I have an attitude.

   If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

   The Science is settled: Guns save lives.

   If you take a family photo on Thanksgiving, make sure you position your girlfriend on the end. That way it's easy to Photoshop her out of the picture if you need to later. - Follow me for more holiday tips.

   He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

   Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

   the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

   Ladies, Here is your reminder to put your good yoga pants in the washer so they're ready for Thanksgiving tomorrow

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite-Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my Will and Testament.

   It's true that when you open a parachute it pulls you back up. One time I accidentally opened a parachute inside my house and it dragged me right up through the ceiling.

   I’m not wishing anyone a Happy Thanksgiving, I hope your gravy gives you diarrhea.😜

   I have 3 Brazilian Wax Appointments for Tuesday afternoon. Inbox me for time. ❤️

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit.

   I cut down my own Christmas tree this year. My neighbor isn't very happy about it because it was in his yard.

   For extra cash, consider robbing sex offenders. Their addresses are easy to find and they can't own guns.

   A drink called KenoshaKid - what's it made of? A chaser followed by three shots.

   Have you ever looked at someone and thought 'shut the hell up'... and they weren't even speaking...

   I wonder how much it cost to pay off Michigans referees