Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm never eating a edible again. I watched an entire movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf.

   I'm currently writing a folk song about bland pudding, it's called "That's Pudding it Mildly"

   Just got back from town. There would be so much less clutter if only the business that were'nt hiring put up signs. . .

   I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by just about everything

   Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors. Every time I knocked, I thought, “Screw it, they’ve already got one.”

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?

   Driving 32 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 1 mile from my place is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.

   FACT: If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.

   I want to thank my trusted speech writers: Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V.

   A new study says you shouldn't believe everything you read on Facebook that starts out by saying a new study says.

   Jesus walks into a bar: Orders 12 waters... Winks at disciples....

   I made a playlist for when I go hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it Trail Mix.

   I have a name for the govt. agents that go door-to-door checking to see if you have been vaccinated: Ja-COVID Witnesses.

   I've been on and off the wagon so many times, I feel like a Wild West hooker working her way back to California.

   Joined a gym today it had one machine that did everything: twix, mars and snickers, milk way, Doritos.

   There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed

   Anybody on Meth need a job??? I'm opening a haunted house soon & I need zombies

   Gender is like the Twin Towers. There used to be two of them but now it is a very sensitive subject.

   rony: In some places you’ll have to take the vaccine in order to watch the new Matrix movie coming out.