Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the lyrics...

   I don’t need the body of a 20 yr old. I would take their bladder though.

   To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

   why is it called hoarding and not stock home syndrome?

   A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

   My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

   One of the stars of Borat 2 is under investigation for possible criminal activity at the direction of a Home Alone 2 cast member.

   I'm donating my body to science... fiction.

   Protestants. Some man didn't like God's version of Christianity (Catholicism), so they decided to fix what God got wrong.

   Glad to see no horses kneeled for the national anthem during the kentucky derby

   The Rudy Giuliani Song: If you like subpoena coladas, and getting caught in Ukraine....

   If Uranus had a country called Europe, you'd be European from Uranus.

   Don't judge a woman by pounds and she won't judge you by inches.

   My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

   Never once in my life have I ever met a dentist in a social situation randomly somewhere outside of a dentist’s office. Think about it.

   I have a joke about the pandemic but it’s taking too long to finish

   My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

   In an alternate universe, horses wearing fancy hats watch humans run the Kentucky Derby

   “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

   My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.