Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it wrong to write, "He owed me $50" in the funeral guest book?

   Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day. Wife: IT’S 8 AM

   Just read that michelangelo painted the sistine chapel on his back. Must’ve been really difficult reaching that bit between his shoulders.

   Welcome to your 40’s: everyone is twelve now.

   I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

   Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

   Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

   It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

   The only Marx I want to hear about is Groucho

   If the vaccine contains a chip, I hope it’s salt and vinegar.

   When the economy is bad biscuit companies don't complain, they just remove one piece

   I got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

   Today's Jeopardy Category "Inspirational Presidential Quotes".. UGH..UGH.. YOU KNOW MAN...THE THING!

   Just occurred to me that because my BMI permits me to get the vaccine tomorrow, and because the vaccination will enable me to protect myself and others, my thick thighs will in fact save lives.

   I know the Royal family said they would deal with the allegations of racism, but personally, I think this is a bit drastic.

   In honor of DMX, I encourage everyone to bark loudly at a random stranger.

   Are they still bad habits if I like them?

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "emotional baggage" and not "griefcase"?

   They're called "Heated Seats" because "Rear Defroster" was already taken.

   Got up early this morning, and fertilized the yard. My neighbor still won't look me in the eye.