Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele But here we are

   An educational show for children about the importance of treating your toys nicely: Breaking Bad

   have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

   “can we contact your previous employer to find out what you were like on the job?” sure as long as I can contact your previous employee to find out what you did to drive them away

   In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

   Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed. I jiggled the change in my pocket.

   I’ve decided to become a Disney princess* *pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

   I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

   Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

   So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

   Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

   Me: (Sneezes) Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

   Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

   I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

   If you're feeling down becausecoffee your dating life, just remember, Matt Gaetz didn't have a high-school date until he was 38-years old.

   Procrastinate now-don't put it off.

   You used to be able to somewhat cross the line. Nowadays, you can't come anywhere near the line. You used to be able to somewhat push the envelope. Nowadays you'd better pull back the envelope.

   The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week

   I am "I remember when Saturday Night Live Was Funny" years old.

   My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?