Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Years resolution is to be more active. Sexually.

   I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't

   t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

   My New Years resolution, to screw them before they screw me.

   Why does it seem that most of the women and men who rant at people just minding their own business are overweight, have missing teeth and uneducated?

   *Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"

   If you don't have an address on your house to make it easy to find then you need to address that!

   My mother never saw the iorny in calling me a s.o.b.

   If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

   A good husband remembers his wife's birthday, but not her age.

   I may need a helping hand with my New Year's resolution in giving up masterbating.

   I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?

   they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me

   I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.

   I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.

   Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.

   Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.

   If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.

   I was walking on the beach yesterday when I noticed this guy in the ocean splashing around and yelling " shark, help, shark!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   Went for a check up, everything was normal, except the doctor stuck is finger up my butt...... I need to get a new dentist.