Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loving that 170 lbs I lost when you left.. not only do I look better.. I dont have your extra weight to carry around!

   tired of counting down to the next weekend or vacation so.... only 18,245 days until retirement. Take that society!

   Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.....

   I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people............

   Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.......

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else......

   curiosity overpowers knowledge.. Now I have a midget transvestite prostitue knocking on my door

   will even let you hold the remote control

   Look at the evil people in the world, Saddam Hussein, Hitler, Stalin what do they all have in common? Mustaches

   exaggerations went up a million percent last year

   an organ donor. Need anything?

   Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

   two people away from a threesome

   thinks: The greatest pleasure in life is "not" doing what people say you can do.I call it the middle finger logic.

   wishing that the gnomes would return my stuff!

   Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."

   we had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

   Figured I'm pretty smart--it took me all summer, but.. I found all the paw-prints, put them in my notebook, sat down in my thinking chair...& ... I just figured out Blue's Clues & what it's all about!

   Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

   Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?