Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has been watching a lot of these prison shows on TV and is wondering why you never see any midgets in prison? Is it because they get much shorter sentences?. . .

   I read that smoking is bad so I stopped smoking, I read drinking is bad so I stopped drinking, I read that sex is bad so I stopped reading.

   loves animals...especially in gravy

   if you want to know anything then come to my house because i've got a teenager here who knows everything

   if rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

   people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!

   trying to think whether i've been naughty or nice this year but the screaming slaves in my basement are distracting me.

   just created a facebook page for my right hand so I can tell the world I'm in a relationship with it

   proud of himself. He just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years!

   reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol

   I cook with wine...Sometimes I even put it in the food !

   My husband wears the pants in the family... I just tell him what ones to wear.

   thinks if there wasn't a last minute he'd never get anything done

   wondering ... When Weird Al Yankovic dies, will they do a parody of Michael Jackson's memorial?

   calling someone out on Facebook is like winning the gold medal in the Special Olympics: In the end, you are still retarded.

   - Hard drive, floppy drive, flash drive, stiffy disk. Who comes up with these names?

   proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

   doesn't want to follow you on twitter because you're not going anywhere.

   if nothing goes right for you .... Go left!

   ha ha suckers, gullible IS in the dictionary, I checked....