Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted...

   heavily armed....and not afraid to flab them in your face!!!

   keep your hourly updates going, I really am enjoying them...really. /sarcasm

   People say that love is in every corner I must be walking in circles!

   lives in her own little world, but it's OK — they all like me here.

   had the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

   parachute for sale, used once, never opened!

   wonders if people who use sign language are allowed to talk with their mouth full....

   without me awesome is only aweso

   wondering if when French people swear, do they say excuse my English

   a paranoid schitizophrenic, I think I'm following myself.

   says it's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom....

   browsing my facebook friends naked.

   suffers from compulsive-indecisive disorder. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

   say Jesus loves you... He only likes me as a friend, though.

   Sometimes I wonder what became of the imaginary friend I had as a kid... Did he go to imaginary college? Is he married to an imaginary woman or have imaginary kids? I should google his punk ass...

   has a 'get-rich-slow' scheme... and it's working perfectly!

   wondering, if you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   figured out a way to turn my dishwasher into a snow remover. I handed my wife a shovel

   thinking if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.