Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally take a $hit all by themselves.

   A relationship that’s needs to be validated and reinforced by being constantly paraded on Facebook for the whole world to see is a desperate relationship that will not last.

   I hate it when I am hosting a pool party at my neighbors' house and they come home early from their vacation.

   I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.

   If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them

   A-Rod, Kobe and Tiger ... perhaps the three most arrogant athletes of our time ... all had pretty bad Fridays.

   hey Golf Channel, instead of yapping about golf for 4 hours, how about showing some actual golf??

   Just had an idea for a musical - How do you solve a problem like Korea...

   I can't believe North Korea are now threatening Japan with nukes. They're still squinting from the last two.

   My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".

   If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I dammit.

   I’m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn’t work out.

   Wake up on a strangers couch...check...use GPS to find out where I am....check ....walk to eat alone....check....return Tyson's Tiger...

   Panic over. you can sleep safe in your beds. I've sent Kim Jong a McDonalds Happy Meal & he's calmed down.

   *Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.

   first he Cheats on his wife than he cheats in Golf!!!! Dam You tiger Woods!! lolol

   They say not to go grocery shopping when you are hungry. Not good to go pinteresting when you are hungry either.

   Honey you used so much oil, the US wants to invade your plate!

   If everybody's working for the weekend that means someone has been working for the week and they need to be stopped.

   Hang 'em up, Kobe. Black Mamba is done.