Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Waldo: Bite me. Go find yourself.

   It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

   Beer is good for what ales you.

   Has a date with Mr. Hangover today, she wishes her friends would just let her be single and stop trying to play matchmaker!!!!

   dyslexic with tourettes..bucking fastard..cupid stunt.. oh hole ass

   got to heavens gate and god sent me back.....the good die young, I aint eligible for that

   NASCAR Driver Education: "Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Turn left. Repeat."

   considering buying a GPS for Mr. Sand Man, he seems to be lost and hasn't made it to her house the last three nights!!!

   had many people walk into her life and made it great. She has had many people walk out of her life and made it f*cking fantastic!!!

   off to see the wizard......apparently the brain he gave her doesnt work!!!

   your so vain you probably think this status is about you.

   suggests wearing an INS badge to Home Depot if the checkout lines are too long.

   This girl asked to take me out to dinner, I told her sorry I have a girlfriend. Her response... "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.

   Actually it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th.

   I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldn't have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

   Don't Kanye me!!! or I'll Chris Brown yo a$$... and Tiger Woods your mother!

   On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?

   The biggest lie ever: I have read and agree to the terms of use.