Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   April is Alcohol Awareness Month and being Friday and all.... tonight I will make special plans to investigate alcohol all night long... Now that I have made you aware...I have done my part !

   Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

   If the mini skirt gets any shorter...women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, & a little more hair to comb"

   Did, we REALLY need a Karate Kid remake????

   says "Hhellloo iis tthiis tthhe oownnerr off ttthe sshhoop ttthhatt I ggott ttthe vvibbratttor ffromm?? Hhow ddo uu ttturrn ttthe ffucckkinn ttthingg oofff?"

   wow i'm so behind on pop culture I just now found out who that little girl on tv is and her name is justin bieber

   went to the sex shop to get a new toy and is now very disappointed. I picked the big red one featured on the wall., and they told me to pick another one. Supposedly, that was their fire extinguisher...and here I thought it was just cleverly named!

   wonders at what point in a proctologists life do they decide, 'When I grow up, I want to be sure everyones a$$ho!e is puckered up and functional!"

   Wonders if Old Macdonald has a Farmville addiction...

   had a dream I was stranded on a deserted island with Dracula and Nancy Pelosi. Pretty spooky! One is a evil being that is pale and will drain the life out of you.....And the other one's a vampire

   You can negotiate with a terrorist, NOT with a red head.

   persuade the Canadians to take back Justin Bieber like they have already taken our gold medal.

   Just in, Angelina Jolie is gonna adopt another child she just came back from SARAJEVO BOSNIA she got a new son MUJO JOLIE PITT.

   - I got stopped by a woman in the street today.... She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."........

   Every piece of chocolate I ever ate is getting back at me..desserts are very revengeful..they make sure you land up in the gymjail and weep!

   Due to an "incident",my Mafia family is entering into a Witness Protection program in a Farmville,a few accounts away.

   I hate it when I run out of Staples. And so do their security guards.

   thinks life is like a rubix cube. Some people have the patience to solve it and the others just cheat to see how others do it

   Pass the parcel would work better if there is no prize that way one kid is disappointed but everyone else is happy

   America is only the land of the free for people who have lots of money.