Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when people CLEARLY see am sleeping then they wake me up and ask if am sleeping.

   s wondering....now that the US has passed heath Care Reform I wonder when Rush Limbaugh is leaving the country? Not soon enough I'm sure

   Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored, and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

   trying to eat the soup using a fork...

   Relationships are poor ships to sail in

   Ever notice that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?

   What the Health Care Reform really means: OLD PEOPLE MAGAZINES IN THE DOCTORS OFFICE -- This can't be good!

   I was so happy I could die, but decided to play a love game with brown eyes and now I'm speechless. Who would've thought a monster could make me dance in the dark..... Talk about your bad romance!

   snuck his daughter's phone and changed his contact info to Batman. Now it's a little more exciting when she gets a text like 'get ready. picking you up in 5 mins.

   mourning the passing of Saturday & Sunday. *pours out a bit of coffee* "I enjoyed the times we had. You'll be sorely missed." *Glances at Monday.* *Monday stares back.* "Awkward."

   Just saw an ad that says, "Grow 4 inches in 4 weeks". Wow, can you imagine a 6 inch c*ck!

   ..thinks having bags under your eyes is no big deal. It's finding the shoes to match is the real problem!

   Illegals, America invites you to bring your families, our tax payers would love to provide you free health care, free food stamps, and free housing. You will never have to do anything again, just come to our country. What will come next?

   Life is like a confused teacher... First she gives the test then she teaches the lesson

   All my years of education have boiled down to this… May I take your order?

   monday is a perfect day for my taxes to go up. Thanks Nancy!

   wonders what age I'll be when Obama's death panel deems me "no longer cost effective."

   How can you tell when a democrat is lying? When his lips are moving!

   a drunk was hauled into court.”Mister,” the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.” “Great,” the drunk exclaimed. “When do we get started?”

   Why Do Guys Cheat On Pretty Girls With Ugly Ones....?