Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When one person suffers from delusion, it is called insanity.When many people suffer from delusion, it is called religion....

   coming down with a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell!

   Winter is supposed to leave tomorrow, so he showed up early this morning, threw sh*t around, made me feel cold and desolate, and left his money shot all over my car. He must be related to my ex.

   CHAOS, PANIC & DISORDER... I CAME, I SAW & I CONQUERED... MY WORK HERE IS DONE... NOW PUT THAT ON MY RESUME!!

   The Playboy Channel accidentally aired on 2 kids networks. Kids were shocked to learn just how much “exploring” Dora was into

   if you're gonna be a smart ass, atleast try not to look dumb.

   Forget the "Dislike" button....can we get a "Don't Give a F*ck" button ?

   the man your man could smell like.

   the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

   I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

   knows he just got screwed but can`t remember where and how...??

   is thinking whether to open facebook or textbook......wonder what`s he gonna do..

   I'm waiting for my marriage license to expire because I'm not going to renew

   evaluating your profile to maximize chances of a long term friendship

   Douchenozzles flock to the internet for the simple reason that whatever stupid crap they can get away with online would earn them a cap in the a$$ in real life.

   A RECENT POLICE STUDY FOUND THAT YOU'RE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO GET SHOT BY A FAT COP IF YOU RUN....

   YOU LOOK LIKE I NEED ANOTHER DRINK....

   will have on his Tombstone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

   In the 80's we had Reagan in office. We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office and we have no Hope and no Cash...

   Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark