Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Celebrities walk on the red carpet because they're famous, I walk on toilet paper cuz I'm the sh**!

   Nothing to prove & very little to lose

   trying to kick the habit.... but nicotine gum is a hard habit to break...

   If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!!

   having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think ive remembered this before.

   Jumped up for no apparent reason. Have not returned to the ground yet.

   training for his fight with Apollo Creed

   not even supposed to be here today

   thinks nothing is better than pooing at work...you're getting paid to poo!

   's friend was hit by a Dodge, which he/she found both funny and ironic.

   doesn't have a microwave oven but he does have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff

   A Good Source Of Calcium.

   Same Great Taste 40% Fewer Calories, 30% Less Fat.

   took the "What color are you?" quiz and the result is: Plaid

   looking to buy a decaf coffee table.

   met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

   he often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

   didn't go to highschool, he went to school high

   watching 'Earth Hour' simultaneously Online and on Television... It's kinda Dark... :/

   busy fighting all her other personalities Crazy, Neurotic, and Shy on who gets to write the status message today….to be continued