Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too.

   My friends over there bet me that I wouldn't talk to the most beautiful woman in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?"

   Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15

   I wonder what the person who discovered milk was doing with the cow...

   heard that Corey Feldman was reportedly wandering around Haimlessly in Los Angeles

   It's strap-on fat...and I can take it off anytime I want to!

   You can become rich, achieve high social standing, hold multiple degrees, and still be an idiot.

   Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.

   If by “metrosexual,” you mean “secret homo” then yes, that's a great way to describe yourself.

   Rubbing one out thinking about Wall-E and EVA in the throes of robo-love

   going into the fitting room at Walmart and yelling very loudly there is no toilet paper in here

   The other day I threw a boomerang at a ghost. I knew it would come back to haunt me.

   other than the two ton woodpecker trying to escape from my head I'm fine.

   welcome to my happy place... now get your sh*t and leave!

   thinks Toyota missed an opportunity with their commercials by not using Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel"...

   you've just received an Amish Virus. Since we don't have electricity or computers, you're on the honor system. Please delete your files. Thank thee

   i'm not real happy that the wrapping on my toilet paper said '100% Recycled' !!

   The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

   The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.