Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The spark of a genius exists in the brain of the truly creative man from the hour of his birth. True genius is always inborn and never cultivated, let alone learned

   doing an environmental studies course and needs ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a postcard please.

   Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.

   has been wondering... if you force sex on a hooker is it rape or shoplifting??

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in awhile,nine out of ten people would have nothing to talk about.

   wondering why there is a cork screw on a Swiss Army Knife. I can't remember the last time I encountered a wild bottle of Chianti in the wild..

   if guns kill people, then spoons make people overweight...

   heard a guy at Starbucks talking loudly in his cell say, "I'm going to surprise her with a Jaguar." I'll only like him if he meant the cat..

   over the years has realized that marriage is like a hand of poker, you start with a pair and end up with a full house...

   The inventor of the "Bumpit" made millions selling that hair accessory to women. I'm going to invent the "F**kit" and market it to women for those bad hair days.

   sure now that after Mark Zuckerberg (founder of Facebook) was just announced as the youngest billionaire on Forbe's list, his mom doesn't tell him he's spending too much time on Facebook.

   If Tylenol, Duct Tape & WD-40 can't fix it...you've got serious problems !!!

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case

   You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday?

   if you forgive someone, you automatically forfeit your right to constantly throw in their face reminding them of what they did.

   This is odd... I just got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by Lindsay Lohan for throwing up last weekend?

   Next time you wanna get laid, crawl up a chickens a$$ and wait.

   I don't know what all the hype is about multitasking... I have tried it and it's isn't for me... It's just a fancy word meaning " you're screwing up several things at once".

   wondering if the city of Pittsburgh is proud that Ben Roethlisberger has the same number of superbowl wins as he does rape accusations?!

   Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic