Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Needs a brain laxative.......there's too much crap in here!!!

   Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   Man Ive been sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, have a stuffy head, and a fever... is there any kind of medication that I can take for that and it will help me rest???

   A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" they says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

   Pat Robertson blamed hurricane Katrina on sexual sin,he blamed the Haiti earthquake on a supposed pact with satan. We havn't had any severe disaster up here in Canada yet but he'll probily blame it on the success of Justin Bieber or Pamela anderson.

   faling for someone... or it might be gas.... It's been so long I can't tell the difference...

   Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

   loves facebook b/c it gives him the perfect media to use the third person!!!

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted... How's that working' out?

   There are hundreds of languages throughout the world but a smile speaks them all! ◕‿◕

   I would not say that I am living in the fastlane, but I am experiencing life at a high rate of WTF's per minute.

   muliple personality disorder and schizophrenia. No we don't.....WHO SAID THAT?!!!

   Marriage is the opportunity to inherit an additional dysfunctional family, just in case the one you have wasn't enough.

   "The next part will be difficult. You will be taken. So, can I borrow your car for like 3 days?" (Liam Nuisance)

   women dont fart until they get married

   Don't piss on my boots and tell me it's raining

   Wife comes home and says "What would you do if I won the lottery?" "I would take half and leave your ass!" "good I won 12$ here's 6$ now get the fu$k out!"

   can see through your clothes. Mood: disappointed.