Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FASTEST means of Communication : 1) Phone 2) TV 3) Internet 4) Tell A Woman (For even FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE)

   today will mostly be dry with a few wet patches but enough about my trousers

   wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.

   will be forever indebted to the person who creates a vaccine for stupidity.

   thinks if Senator Jim Bunning wants to make a point to US, reduce the pensions, Soc.Sec. and lifelong health benefits for politicians!!

   If people criticise or hurt or shout at you, dont bother. Just remember that in every game audience make the noise, not the players

   joining Hokey Pokey Annonymous.....to turn myself around.

   wants to pull over a police car, flash a badge & say "Fu**" Y*U for once.

   Definition of mixed emotions: seeing your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your brand new Porsche.

   ...says there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away...

   ...when two's company, three's the result...

   Today, I was told I was being too patronising which means I was treating them like they were stupid.

   wondering if Jewish Rabbi get paid for circumcision or do they just keep the tips???

   Party every day that begins with the letter T. Tuesday and Thursday? Nah, TODAY and TOMMOROW! :)

   There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.

   Relationships are like farts... If you push too hard, things could get messy!

   You know you're fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.

   ..when people write "is ;-)" as their stat message,you tend to think,well,if I was ";-)" would I stop and write a stat update about it? Obviously you're not ";-)" very well.

   changed the title of today from: Bill Paying Day to Check Writing Day. Yes, I am writing checks...but the bills are not necessarily gonna get paid. We'll see who posts them at the bank faster! Moooowahahahahaha

   This bill collector called my house for the last time today. I told him just like it is... You call my house 1 more time and I'm taking your name out the hat. I put everybody's name in a hat, at the end of the week I draw a name and that's the one I pay.