Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apple admits it used underage kids to make iPhones, iPods and Mac computers. All I've got to say is...DAMN fine job, kids.

   wondering if IHOP is going to sue Apple for copyright infringement?

   What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single!

   -- split up from the missus yesterday, I'm now very sad and upset. I had to go to work today with my clothes creased.....

   The problem with your face is that it looks like you.

   I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."

   In regards to Tiger Woods press conference a few days a go, I'm staying tuned for Ron Jeremy's apology for getting caught playing golf.

   Don't mess with turtles...because sometimes, if you're Italian, they'll throw hammers at you

   was driving down the highway today and tried to identify what kind of car was coming up behind me. Then it hit me! Duh... a Toyota.

   wonders who will be watching Kate Gosselin's litter of mutts while she's practicing for Dancing With The Stars.

   . Life is like a can of beans. It lets out a toot every so often and is worth a good laugh!

   look down, back up, where are you. You're on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What's in your hand, back at me, I have it, it's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love, look again, the tickets are now diamonds

   When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because those that can run,jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   says - just when you think all your ducks are in a row, someone comes along and shoots one of them

   can't help but giggle every time the SlapChop guy says " You're going to LOVE my nuts"

   thinks that marriage should be like football; you must show up fully committed and prepared and score every opportunity you get!

   When people nickname their child "Boo Boo" is that their way of saying their child was an accident?

   why can't Twitter just die already?