Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   getting Jiggy with it!

   ...I guess that sometimes it takes a dominatrix in your living room to make you sit there and think 'What the hell am I doing with my life?'...

   is a practicable way to derive an attitude of altitude & probity by which to abide or maybe a theophany of flaming creosote in disguise...

   To catch me, you gotta be fast; to find me, you gotta be smart; but to BE ME!! DAMN! You must be kidding!

   hosting a time travel seminar, the first meeting is last week.......

   as much authority as the Pope, he just doesn't have as many people who believe it

   picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

   One man's toxic sludge is another man's potpourri

   only shoplifting discount stores, because jail sentences are based on cost of goods stolen.

   being chased by a hungry pack of wild poodles!

   blowing stuff up with his mind....

   dreams of the day a chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned...

   not interest in Greys Anatomy, thank you...

   busy Saving Humanity from the Evil Decepticons

   in a relationship with Jack Daniel's.

   the reason Waldo is hiding

   the reason for global warming

   regrets to inform you that due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

   38 years old and still doesn't need glasses . . . I just drink straight out of the bottle!

   wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.