Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you think a thought and just when you think that thought was not worth thinking then you think about it and after have thought the thought over will never think it again.

   A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea"

   I went into a drug store for preparation H, Sportscream for sore muscles, and toothpaste.The cashier asked how I was doing… I couldn't resist... I looked at her and said, As long as I don't get these three tubes mixed up I should be alright.

   overheard a Younger Boy yell "Girls Got Cooties!" I Laughed, And then I threw him a Condom."

   wondering if they sell over-priced bottles of water in Fiji called America?

   is putting out an APB for a large orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 10 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-4SPRING if found.

   currently in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

   withes that sometimes the Prince and the Slut would live happily ever after.. like in the movies.

   Bummer: Just Found out that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle that came to my 6th Birthday was actually my Aunt!"

   Why Did Donkey Kong even bother throwing barrels? Why not let Mario get up to his level and then just beat the sh!t out of him?"

   When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute

   I smile because I don't know what's going on.

   if I throw a stick will you leave

   Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then pray for crop failure on Sunday.

   There are a lot of pro bowlers in the NFL... I really admire two sport athletes.

   When you see cupid,b!tch slap the little punk 4 me will ya!!!!!

   ...Really USA? You REALLY thought you would win again???

   36 medals for team USA thats 3 dozen reasons we are the best

   Sorry yanks. After all, it is our game. We may not own the podium... but you got owned it hockey. More gold than you... y'all must like silver!!!

   Congrats to Canada for winning Gold in hockey....but Nickleback and Justin Beiber and no Rush at the Closing Ceremonies?....I just lost all respect!