Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the cops just found a body with no brain, saggy boobs, dirty undies, and a food stamp card. I'm really worried..are you okay?

   Your friendship means so much to me that... When you cry...I cry. When you laugh... I laugh. When you jump out a window... I laugh some more.

   doesn't believe in superstition. It brings bad luck.

   wonders... do subliminal (send) messages (me) really (money) work?

   feeling as sprightly today as Jim Morrison... or anyone else who has been dead for 30 years.

   Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There's apparently more traffic going to hell!!!

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant.

   "Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."

   At the beginning of any relationship, every girl treats her boyfriend as "GOD." ... 'Later on somehow the alphabets get reversed!!!

   If you ever want to see a man cry... Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other... And... MAKE HIM CHOOSE!

   discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

   disappointed that no matter how many times he bangs his head, he doesn't see any cartoon birds.

   if drinking and driving is illegal, then why the hell do bars have a parking lot?

   seems to have replaced Sex with Food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   Some people think that I assume the world revolves around me, which of course is total nonsense. The world revolves around the sun, which shines out of my a$$.

   Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious."

   my son Xander (5) got in trouble and sent to his room. He comes out a few minutes later and tried to bribe me into letting him out by give me a $1 bill. A lesser man would have succombed I tell you.....

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   ☂ *~Everyone wants to be happy , Nobody wants to be in pain... But you can't have a rainbow without any rain~* ☂

   -- I lost my watch earlier, I would have looked for it but I just didn't have the time......