Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   all the while Tiger Woods is thinking "Once again, the provebial excrement hits the oscillating air device. . . "

   surprised that, during his press conference, Tiger didn't give thanks for being honored with the Enviromentalist of the Year Award. The one he recieved for picking up all that white trash.

   A wise old man once told me, I'm a wise old man so I'm allowed to touch you in the bathing suit area. He taught me alot of things

   My uncle once told me, believe in yourself, work hard, and try not to have sex with other peoples wifes

   damn woman...you are like the herpes of drunk texting...you never go away.

   You know the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" ..... well for girls its " Why buy the whole pig, when all ur gonna get is a lil sausage...

   …clearly they have no idea how funny it is when they give us the fish eye after a sneak attack…

   The more you watch Maury the less your kids look like you.

   didn't know that Tiger was a Buddhist. Maybe it was all of those Buddha calls that got him in trouble.

   Tiger Woods: "I regret leaving Buddhism for Bootyism".

   sorry that he cheated on his wife, hopes you believe in him again, and wishes these bruises from the 9-iron up his a$$ would heal already!

   Weekends are like rainbows: they look great from a distance but seem to disappear when you get close to them.

   They say children brighten up the household. That's because they never turn out the ilghts.

   just heard that they took the gold away from lindsey vonn! they gave it to obama instead since hes gone downhill faster than anyone else!Use

   I may not go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.

   glad to see Obama giving Bush some recognition. He named the faultline under Haiti, "Bush's Fault."

   she's got an A$$ that will make a grown man do the dishes!

   if The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

   it's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   just saw peanut walk into a police station to make a complaint claiming it was a salted.