Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   looking into the future. Everything looks good for me. But as for you, you're totally f***ed!

   fell asleep at the wheel while driving...started dreaming of the same road that I was on...except I was in a different car..thank god I was dreaming in real time.

   Some stuff gets better with age, other stuff feels the effects of gravity.

   Facebook isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble

   I wish every relationship I was in had a money back guarantee or at least a 30 day free trial

   when someone asks you what time it is..glance at your watch and say "it's either 6:15 or mickey has a hard-on." guaranteed they'll ask someone else.

   Watching NASA TV and the launch prep for STS-120 ... and I am somehow jealous that they get to leave the Earth.

   When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered. Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"

   nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed.

   reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.

   the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.

   this morning I came to my senses.......I didn't like it....very unfamiliar...very strange......I liked it better not having them....not going back there.

   Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

   John Terry explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty.

   You do know that COLTS stand for Count On Loosing The Superbowl!!

   Love me or hate me its still an obsession...

   I don't know who's apartment I stayed at last night, but I just showered here and their shampoo is PHENOMINAL.

   If I root for the Saints today... does that count as going to church?

   SHOPPERS: Bored with writing lists for that weekly shop? Simply find discarded lists in trolleys/baskets, and use them! Its spiced up my life.....

   How do you keep a New Orleans Saint out of your yard? Put up goal posts.