Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   finally found out what a 'Snooki' is. I thought it was some great, new dessert everyone was talking about. To my disappointment, it's girl who looks like she's had way too many desserts.

   spraying aerosol cans in an effort to speed up this so called global warming.

   red meat is not bad for you. Green furry meat is....

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!

   can never be accused of being "high maintenance". Whatever you are cooking for breakfast is fine with him. Just make it snappy, okay? Let's go! Chop Chop!

   we always knew who the fat parents were picking up in elementary school

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS! **DISCLAIMER** IF YOU ARE THE OWNER OF A TOYOTA IT IS NOT RECOMMENDED THAT YOU HIT THE GAS. DOING

   You've heard of the "Soup Natzi"?.....But have you heard of the "FACEBOOK NATZI"? If you've ever had to delete a comment....you have! No more FACEBOOK FOR YOU!

   wakes up grumpy, but most days he just lets her sleep....

   lives with fear everyday. Sometimes she lets him go fishing....

   putting his left foot in and taking his left foot out - but he is NOT doing the hokie pokie, he's killing roaches...

   a cookbook is like a Danielle Steele novel for chubby girls....

   ..thinks you look fabulous! Who did it and how much?

   Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

   I'm just trying to help everyone with the hacker post. I had a guy named Phua Soon Hock trying to hack me!

   Know your limitations people! Just because the item says "one size fits all" doesn't mean you should try to fit your big a$$ in to it....just sayin'

   Best part of my life is chocolate ice cream

   misses the good old days of giving a box of heart's saying I want to get down with you in so many words!"

   wishing he had bought his ex the Toyota Prius she was always wanting!

   hates it when he asks someone a question and they start their answer with "Honestly?"......No! Please lie to me, that's what I was hoping for.....idiots!