Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

   love and expectations are inversely proportional

   biggest reality of life - DEATH

   I try to be positive. Except on medical tests.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Your eyes look red,ma'am. Have you been smoking pot?" I replied "No sir. But your eyes looked glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

   lost a game of Scrabble last night. I couldn't believe it. I was lost for words.

   I learned the hard way today that I should always wear panties under my dress when I go out. Because if I don't there's always a gust of wind to tick me off.

   can't wait to hear President Obama's State of the Union speech tonight...sleeping pills haven't been working!

   has the key to all of life's questions... but he'll be damned if he can find the lock...

   "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast

   A pedestrian just hit me and went under my car.

   For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

   thanking Bob Hope for the ky jelly and cucumber. It came in very handy

   I'm one of the few women Tiger Woods didn't sleep with. That makes me feel proud but at the same time I feel kinda rejected. :(

   just read a sign on the highway that says "Observe Warning signs! State Law". if you don't observe warning signs, you wont see it. Just curious....WHAT IS THE POINT!?!

   lets do a 68...you do me and I owe you one.

   believes NASA could help erase some of the national debt by charging to take people up in the shuttle that need to discover the world doesn't revolve around them.

   What do you get when you cross PMS with a GPS? A bi*ch who will track you down

   A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers

   if corn oil is made from corn, vegtable oil made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?