Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I havn't seen it rain this hard since Tim Tebow lost to Alabama...

   So, I read today that NASCAR is getting fuel injection.... I also learned that when they hit 88 mph the new cars travel through time back to 1985, when the rest of us had fuel injection.

   I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

   The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.

   My favorite character on Spongebob Squarepants in the guys that yells "MY LEG!"

   dyslexics UNTIE!

   A Bachelor is one who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

   Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.

   if you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step!!

   The chinese have a serious translation problem. For instance, a translator would have been a good idea when they put "poo poo platters" on their menus....

   Who in the heck thought it was a good idea to pull a foot off a rabbit and use it as a lucky charm? If it wasn't lucky for the rabbit why would it be lucky for me??

   looking for a leprechaun. I've already shook down all the midgets and short people I know. Guess it takes a real leprechaun to get to that pot of gold.

   Trying to quit smoking. By the way.. Apologies go out to the mormon missionary eating the junior mint..I tried to tell you..I don't do mormon but menthol is my brand...I hope your recovery goes quickly.

   's Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.

   Let me just take care of all of this reposting I have to do at once? My life is wonderful, I hate cancer, I donated to Haiti, I support our troops, I love my Mom,I`m from Everett,Hugs and smiles to to you,I won`t join your farmville, I won`t be answering

   What a night...can't remember a thing...why is there waffle house syrup in the bed..the lingerie hanging from the chandelier is hot! but, umm, where are the girls? were there....any...girls here last night????

   reading this sign outside my office: "In case of fire, don't use elevators." Duh! Water works a lot better!

   Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend

   wondering when a Jehovah Witness dies and gets to Heaven if God hides behind the Pearly Gate and pretends he's not in?

   Nothing in life is free.... Someone always pays!