Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bin Laden is probably blending in, the best way he can, driving a taxicab.

   I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

   I wouldn't mind public transportation if it wasn't for the public.

   wondering, if chickens don't have fingers, how come they sell them in resturants??

   wants to know how we manage to raise millions to help people in a country none of us have ever been to, but can't help our own poor and homeless.

   i wasnt born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel

   To all of you who keep calling me Fat, Just Piss off, Iv got Enough on my Plate..

   I'm gonna get a #2 tattooed on my back... just so the person behind me knows what position their in !!!

   ..i had lunch with a chess player today. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   jaegermeister: its like running down the stairs on Xmas morning and then realizing your Jewish.

   ..doesn't go looking for trouble. She knows exactly where to find it!

   Wrinkles are hereditary. Mothers and fathers get them from their children.

   never realized why no one likes Val Kilmer... But I just realized.... You killed GOOSE... YOU B*STARD!

   ...wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment..

   wishing I could hit CTL ± ALT ± DEL ± and start today all over!!!

   so poor I am having to layway my drugs and beer... 90 days from todays date the party is on!!!!

   it takes a lot of balls to golf like I do

   wants you to know that if a jelly fish ever stung you, I'd pee on you!

   Out of all your lies I love you was my favorite.