Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Help! My Chia Pet is sick and I'm not sure if I should bring it to the Vet or the Florist?

   Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex.

   ..is at home taking care of mum after her accident..she fell in front of a man and ended up with a big bump. A bit like how I was conceived,really ..

   very shy. please flirt aggressively

   just because I flirt it doesn't mean I'm interested, it just means I'm awake

   Pump Up The Volume ιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlι

   ladies... dont forget about cervical cancer awareness day today.

   could care less about the color, as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   I think I need to start doing pullups to get more of the ladies attention. Pull up in a Benz, Pull up in a Vette, Pull up in a Beamer....

   Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick-skinned, short-sighted and always ready to charge.

   Patience is the ability to let your light shine after your fuse has blown

   ok the sneakers are on, the treadmill is unfolded but I am having a hard time to put the the two togeather!!!!

   URGENT! FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT! An email recently went out to women asking them to post the color of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to Setting>Enable Webcam> Record Movie. Please repost it to your status!!!

   n honor of vasectomy awareness, for the rest of the day, all men should post the color of their undergarments on their FB status. I'll start. Paisley

   was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers ! ! !

   Instead of telling everybody what color is your damn bra, put 2 bucks in the freaking can at the shopping center if you really want to help people with breast cancer, for Christ's sake!! Stop talking on facebook and give money!

   Happy 75th Birthday,Elvis!

   ATTENTION: The National Weather service in Texas has issued a HOLLY SH1T ITS FRICKING COLD ADVISORY. Be prepared, use the "budy system" when staying warm tonight!

   says they're giving up to $1000 for a human guinea pig at the University science dept!....(twitch)..I did it last time and I'm just fine......(twitch)

   So I spent $25.00 for a Tiger Woods DVD titled " My Favorite 18 Holes"....... turns out it was all about golf....