Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   considering taking out a loan and purchasing a yacht so I can decrease my deficit *Universal Health Care Bill logic*

   thinks a foolish husband gives his wife an old piano. A wise husband gives her an upright organ!

   happy and he knows it...but refuses to clap his hands or stomp his feet.

   An ideal mind is a devil's workshop...mine is a warehouse!

   Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.

   found a midget nest today! I am taking the egg home for further study.

   Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

   about to put a broom stick in your turd cutter

   wondering why iceland is green and greenland is ice? Silly Vikings!

   Wants Santa to bring me one of the hot girls thats on his naughty list

   hates Know-It-Alls, because if you really knew it all, you would know I think you a shmuck!

   If I call you a "HO" these final days of 2009, it's only for the holiday purposes... *smirks*

   watching p0rn and eating doritos !

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings….'

   Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

   2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up

   this monkeys wings aren't real!!! That guy screwed me, these aren't flying monkeys at all!!!!

   MISSING: Sultry dark haired nymphomaniac. Likes 2 have hair pulled & be tied up. Please return immediately as she may be dangerous! I am a trained professional

   wonderin if this will be the year. Santa hasn't visited me since I moved out the first time. Can't figure it out!

   hated it when old aunts and uncles used to come up to him at weddings, poke him in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.