Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   insecure and naturally picks on those who are weaker than himself to give him some demented sense of self worth.

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

   Back in my day, evolution simply meant a more badass Pokemon.

   Anyone want to chip in and make a counteroffer to buy back Joe Lieberman?

   I woke up this morning and my friend said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No. I made a few mistakes."

   Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak man all day. Wearing a backpack & a turtleneck is lke being strangled by a weak man as a dwarf tries to pull you down.

   Just when you think you got the answer...someone changes the question.

   dont be afraid of the dark, be afraid of whats in the dark....

   Mornings would go a lot smoother if someone would introduce "Garanimals" for men. Tags match? The outfit will work!

   One minute after New Year We are going to have the above binary combination.- 01 : 01 01 / 01 / 10

   needs an elf to wrap presents…..oh and do the laundry too while your at it.

   ¡¡¡ƃuılıǝɔ ƃuıʞɔ*ɟ ʎɯ ɟɟo ʇǝƃ `lǝuoıl ʎǝɥ

   There's a new product called "Texthook" that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, "OMG, I just crashed my baby into another baby!"

   On Dasher, on Dancer, on Mastercard, on Visa.

   went to the bookshop today to get a book about conspiracies. Guess what, there were none there. Coincidence?

   going insane in sane places.

   I stoped stabing people in the back years ago... now I stab them right in the face...

   Your sick, twisted, and rotten to the core!!!!! I like that in a person

   "This dog,is dog,a dog,good dog,way dog,to dog,keep dog,an dog,idiot dog,busy dog,for dog,20 dog,seconds dog," Now read without the word (dog)

   The worst thing about drugs is running out...