Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't remember the name of the last girl she slept with. It's on the tip of my tongue.

   whats an old man smell like?..... Depends

   quit critiquing dumb ass, it is a joke.

   Why don't the blind go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

   Life without friends is like boobs without nipples( )( ), just pointless!

   Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes

   My smoking might be bothering you, but it's killing me.

   With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon.

   If your gonna be two faced at least make one of em pretty!

   Where is the “good” in goodbye?

   I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets

   What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $2.50 a minute.

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!

   passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change"...man was that awkward.....

   A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

   Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.