Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   Kids brought home a flier from school yesterday asking how many would be attending the "holiday celebration" at school. My wife writes down 4, then crosses out "holiday celebration" and writes in CHRISTMAS PARTY! Just call her old school!

   We're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f-ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white a$$ down that chimney tonight,he's going to see the jolliest bunch of a$$holes this side of the nuthouse!

   Shooting up heroin with Justin Bieber and Making a sex tape with Miley Cyrus..

   one good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbours

   chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head

   Jethro Leroy Gibbs>The President address

   ...just heard that Tampax is replacing the strings with tinsel this month. ...Ladies, get them soon, supplies only last for the the Christmas period!

   konws taht you can raed tihs sutats jsut fnie and you tuhohgt I was tolaltly dnruk lkie lsat tmie.

   says a clean house is the sign of a broken computer

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!

   hmmm..wonder if Tom from Myspace has a Facebook page

   why do all the other reindeer have brown noses??? Because they aren't as quick to stop as Rudolph

   Wants to have unprotected text

   too large for worry, too noble for anger, and too strong for fear

   thinks Santa is a judgemental twat who bears a grudge. I've explained the Elves incident a hundred times now. So what if I was caught naked with one of his helpers in a cupboard, it was all an innocent mistake!

   Tiger Woods: never satisfied with a hole in one.

   if you know Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, then isn't it a really dumb question to ask if you know the MOST famous reindeer of them all

   At the end of the day Tiger Woods is the guy we all want to be: $600 million, 75 Cars, Cute dogs, Hot Wife, 3 hotter girlfriends....Enough Said!

   do not have any attachments, do not have anything in your life you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner.